Dear Diary · Everything

Dear ——

Dear ——,

There are just some things I have to get off my chest before I feel like I can really move on. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to move on but it has. It doesn’t feel like that long but then I look back and I’m embarrassed. But here it goes.

First of all, I honestly thought you were my perfect guy and I don’t think I have ever cared for someone like I cared for you. You were my first love. I loved you. And honestly sometimes I feel like I still do, which scares me because I know it will never workout no matter how much I wish it would. It sucks because sometimes I feel like you cared for me too, and then you literally just disappear and I won’t hear from you for months or until you’re back home. And I know you didn’t care for me the way I cared for you.

Even with everything we’ve been through, I don’t wish I did anything different. I was hurt a lot by you, but you also helped me become who I am today. You may not see it like that, but before you I had no confidence to stick up for myself. You gave me that confidence to stick up to V and choose my happiness before somebody else’s. And even through all the hurt, I was never as happy with a guy than when I was with you. So thank you for the memories and the confidence.

A lot of my friends have bad things to say about you, and even you yourself say bad things about yourself, but I don’t think they’re true. People always telling me you’re just fooling me, but I honestly think you’re one of the most genuine people I know. You have a good heart, but I don’t think you know that. I have seen a different side of you that most people don’t and as much as people want to tell me that just you playing me, I know thats who you really are. I think you’re just scared to let more people see it. You’re a good guy and I know you can be one, you are just too hard on yourself.

If there’s one thing I wish for you, it’s that you find yourself a girl who makes you beyond happy. I used to wish that could be me, but now I know I’m not the one. And that’s okay. I hope you find a girl that treats you well and you treat well. I want you to be safe and happy more than anything in the world.

I wish we could hangout as friends, because the worst thing about losing you was that I lost a friend. I worry about you all the times. When you drink too much or when you’re training in BFE. I get scared when you talk about being deployed. I don’t even know that I would do if something ever happened to you. I’m embarrassed that I still feel this way after all this time. But I guess I just can’t help it. You had me hooked, but now I’m trying to move on.

Just know that I will always be here for you. Even if I don’t love you romantically, I will always love the person you are. But be safe in everything you do. Thank you and I wish you the best in everything in life.

love,

A.M.

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