III || Crush

The excitement of a crush. It’s something that brings you back to your elementary days. The butterflies that come into your stomach when you hear their name or see their face. It’s such a delightful yet overwhelming feeling, but it’s always scary when you realize that all those butterflies aren’t just a crush.

I have a crush on a boy and not to sound arrogant, but I’ve really never had to put in a lot of work to get a boy I wanted. I feel like I’m very practical on who I can get and I don’t shoot high for someone I know is impossible. I play it safe. If I want a boy to notice me I usually can make it happen and it usually doesn’t take a lot of work. But keep in mind, the boys I’m surrounded with go for anything with a heartbeat. I know what you’re thinking… you have a heart??? Yes, deep deep down past my black soul there is a little thing that resembles a heart. Basically I’m the Grinch so I have potential.

This boy I have a “crush” on is so complex it boggles my mind. I mean what does it take to have this boy be smitten by me? He’s kind of quiet and he keeps to himself but around his friends he’s really funny and he’s just the cutest. It’s annoying. He’s so different than the guys I have gone for in my life. He’s not a total douche bag, which douche bag seems to be my type and I’m really trying to fix that. Now here I am writing about him, thinking about him and guess what… It’s not a crush anymore. I actually have feelings for him. I was actually jealous that night when I noticed him giving attention to other girls. But like, he was also giving me attention sometimes? I don’t know what to think, I feel like he’s giving such mixed signals. But what if I’m just reading them all wrong and he really doesn’t care about me? I mean, this could also be my insecurity speaking but I don’t know. Am I just overanalyzing things?

-A.M.

 


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